When I first started digging into Finding Your Parenting Style, I felt like I’d accidentally enrolled in a class I never signed up for. Everywhere I looked, people were talking about “gentle parenting,” “authoritative parenting,” “attachment parenting,” and about ten other labels I wasn’t even sure I understood.
Meanwhile, I was just over here thinking, Can someone please just help me survive bedtime and stop yelling so much ?
If you’ve ever gone to bed replaying your day, thinking,
“Was I too strict ?”
“Too soft ?”
“Did I ruin my child because I let them watch TV and ate cereal for dinner ?”
…please know I’ve been there too. That heavy feeling in your chest? That’s not proof you’re a bad mom. It’s proof you care.
In this post, we’re going to gently unpack what Finding Your Parenting Style really means — without turning it into another impossible standard. We’ll talk about how to figure out what matters most to you, how to ignore the noise, and how to loosen the grip of mom guilt so you can actually enjoy your kids (and your life) a little more.
Grab a coffee (or reheat the one you’ve already microwaved three times), and let’s do this together. 💛
In this article : [+]
1. Start With What Actually Matters to You
Before we talk about any “style,” we need to talk about values. Parenting style is really just how your values show up in everyday life.
Ask yourself :
- What kind of person do I hope my child grows into?
Kind? Curious? Responsible? Brave? - What do I want them to remember about our home?
That it felt safe? Fun? Calm? Respectful?
You might notice themes like :
- Kindness – “We treat people gently, even when we’re upset.”
- Respect – “Everyone’s feelings and boundaries matter.”
- Responsibility – “We fix mistakes and take care of our things.”
- Connection – “Relationship comes before perfection.”
Once you know your top 3–5 values, they become your “north star.”
Instead of asking, “Am I doing this like that Instagram expert?”, you can ask:
“Is this decision aligned with our values?”
That might sound like :
- “I’m saying no to that third cartoon because sleep and health matter in our family.”
- “I’m apologizing after I yelled because respect and repair matter here.”
- “I’m letting the mess go tonight because connection is more important than a spotless house.”
You don’t need a perfect system. You just need a direction.
2. Forget Perfect — Aim for “Warm and Clear”
If you’ve ever read about “parenting styles,” you’ve probably seen four basic types:
- Authoritarian – very strict, low warmth
- Permissive – very warm, few boundaries
- Uninvolved – low warmth, low guidance
- Authoritative – warm and firm (kind + clear limits)
You don’t have to memorize these or pick a label, but research has consistently found that kids tend to do best with that warm and firm combo — what experts call authoritative parenting.
In real life, that looks like :
- You’re affectionate and loving.
- You listen to your child’s feelings.
- You still keep reasonable rules and follow through.
For example :
- “I know you’re mad that screen time is over. It’s okay to feel mad. We still need to turn it off now.”
- “You don’t have to hug Grandma if you don’t want to. We do say hello politely, though.”
You’re not a drill sergeant, and you’re not a doormat. You’re the kind, confident leader of your home.
And here’s the key: you don’t have to do it perfectly.
Even aiming for “warm and clear most of the time” makes a big difference for your child.
3. Stop Comparing Your Real Life to Everyone Else’s Highlight Reel
Nothing will sabotage Finding Your Parenting Style faster than playing the comparison game.
You know how it goes :
- You see one mom who never raises her voice.
- Another who cooks organic meals and never serves nuggets.
- Another who homeschools, runs a business, and still has perfect hair.
Meanwhile, you’re wiping mac and cheese off the wall and Googling, “Is it okay that my child only eats beige food?”
Here’s the truth :
- Social media shows moments, not the full picture.
- Your child doesn’t need “Pinterest-perfect.” They need you — present, loving, and human.
- Comparing usually just turns into guilt, and guilt rarely makes us parent better. It just makes us feel worse.
When you catch yourself spiraling, try this little mental shift :
- Instead of: “She’s such a better mom than me.”
- Try: “She’s doing what works for her family. I’m learning what works for mine.”
You can be inspired by others without turning their way into the way.
4. Notice Who You Are (Your Temperament Matters Too)
Parenting isn’t just about your child’s personality — it’s about yours, too.
Some moms are naturally :
- Very patient and calm.
- Very playful and silly.
- Very structured and organized.
- Very easygoing and flexible.
None of those are “right” or “wrong.” They’re just you.
Maybe :
- You’re introverted and need quiet after a long day.
- You get overstimulated by noise and chaos.
- You thrive with routines but struggle with spontaneity.
Instead of fighting against your temperament, ask :
“How can I work with who I am, while still meeting my child’s needs?”
Examples :
- If you’re easily overstimulated, you might :
- Build in quiet play after school.
- Use headphones for calming music while you cook.
- If you’re not a super-crafty mom, you might :
- Choose simple sensory play instead of elaborate Pinterest projects.
- If you love structure, you might :
- Create visual routines and simple checklists that help everyone.
You are allowed to be a human with needs, not just a 24/7 emotional vending machine.
5. Use “Mom Guilt” as a Signal, Not a Life Sentence
Let’s talk about that lovely voice in your head that whispers :
“You yelled again. You always mess it up. Good moms don’t do that.”
Mom guilt can come from :
- Family expectations
- Culture
- Social media
- Our own perfectionism
- Old stories from our childhood
Here’s the reframe that helped me :
👉 Guilt is a signal, not a verdict.
Sometimes guilt is trying to tell you :
- “This isn’t how you actually want to respond. Let’s try something different next time.”
- “You’re exhausted. You need help, not more pressure.”
Instead of staying stuck in shame, try this three-step reset :
- Notice it.
- “Wow, I’m feeling really guilty about today.”
- Name it gently.
- “I yelled because I was overwhelmed and tired. That doesn’t make me a bad mom, but it is something I want to work on.”
- Choose one small shift.
- “Next time I feel myself boiling over, I’ll walk into the bathroom, take three deep breaths, and come back.”
Guilt that leads to gentle reflection and small changes? Helpful.
Guilt that just beats you up? You don’t have to listen to that.
6. Create Simple, “Good Enough” Routines That Match Your Style
Your parenting style shows up most in the everyday rhythms of your home — not the big, dramatic moments.
Instead of trying to upgrade your entire life at once, choose one or two areas to gently structure :
- Morning routine
- After-school or after-daycare routine
- Bedtime
- Weekends
Ask :
“What would a ‘good enough’ version of this routine look like for us?”
For example, a simple bedtime rhythm :
- Bath (or quick wipe-down if you’re tired)
- Pajamas and teeth
- One short book or a made-up story
- Snuggles + 30-second chat: “Best part of your day?”
- Same phrase every night: “I love you. I’ll see you in the morning.”
Is it perfect? No.
Is it loving, predictable, and totally realistic for most nights? Yes.
When routines match your parenting style and energy, they feel sustainable, not like another performance.
7. Partner With Your Child’s Caregivers, Not Compete With Them
Your parenting style doesn’t exist in a vacuum. If your child is in daycare, preschool, or spends time with grandparents, they’re influenced by multiple adults.
Instead of thinking :
“They do it differently, so one of us must be wrong,”
try :
“How can we work as a team for my child?”
You can :
- Share your values :
- “We’re really working on using kind words instead of hitting when frustrated.”
- Ask about theirs :
- “What phrases do you use when kids have a hard time sharing?”
- Look for overlap :
- Maybe they’re more structured and you’re more relaxed — together, that can be a beautiful balance.
You don’t have to match exactly. You just want overall consistency in :
- Safety
- Respect
- Basic expectations
When kids feel like the grown-ups are mostly on the same page, they feel safer — and that supports your parenting style at home, too.
8. Keep Learning… But Filter the Advice
Once you start exploring Finding Your Parenting Style, you’ll probably come across :
- Books
- Podcasts
- Reels
- “Expert” threads
- Well-meaning advice from family and friends
Some of it will be helpful. Some of it will just make you feel worse.
Here’s a simple filter :
- Does this advice align with my values?
If your top value is connection, advice that leans heavily on shame or fear tactics probably isn’t for you. - Does it fit my real life?
If a strategy only works for people with unlimited time/money/support, it might not be realistic right now — and that’s okay. - How do I feel after reading/listening?
- Do you feel hopeful, seen, and gently challenged? Good sign.
- Do you feel panicked, defective, or like everything you’ve done so far is wrong? That’s a red flag.
You’re allowed to say :
- “That’s interesting, but it’s not for our family.”
- “This works for us now, but we may adjust later.”
You’re not behind. You’re not failing. You’re just curating what truly serves your home.
9. Remember : “Good Enough” Parenting Is More Than Enough
Child development experts have a concept called the “good enough” parent — the idea that kids don’t need perfect parents, just consistently caring ones who repair when things go wrong.
In practice, “good enough” looks like :
- You say things you regret sometimes… and you apologize.
- You lose your temper… and later you reconnect and talk about it.
- You make decisions that don’t work… and you adjust next time.
Your child is not keeping a scorecard of every little thing you did “wrong.”
They’re soaking in the big picture :
- “Am I loved?”
- “Am I safe?”
- “Do my feelings matter?”
- “Do we fix it when we mess up?”
If the answer to those questions is usually “yes,” then you are doing far, far better than you think.
10. When Worry Won’t Let Go : Getting Extra Support
Sometimes the stress around Finding Your Parenting Style isn’t just about parenting — it’s also about :
- Anxiety
- Past experiences from your own childhood
- Burnout or depression
- A lack of support
If you feel constantly overwhelmed, on edge, or hopeless, it’s not a failure to ask for help. It’s wisdom.
Support might look like :
- Talking to your partner about practical changes (bedtime help, chores, screen-time breaks).
- Reaching out to a trusted friend who “gets it.”
- Joining an online or local mom group where people are honest, not just curated.
- Talking with a therapist, counselor, or parenting coach if things feel really heavy.
You were never meant to carry this alone.
Expert Insight (Without the Jargon)
You don’t need a stack of research papers on your nightstand, but here are a couple of helpful takeaways from child development research, translated into mom language :
- Kids tend to thrive when parents are both loving and consistent — offering warmth, hugs, and understanding and keeping reasonable limits.
- What you do most of the time matters more than any one rough day.
- Repair after conflict (apologizing, reconnecting) is incredibly powerful for a child’s emotional development.
So when you’re spiraling about whether you “ruined” your child because of one bad afternoon, remember :
It’s the long-term pattern — not the one-off moments — that shapes your child.
A Little Love Letter to You, Mama
If no one has told you this yet today, let me be the one :
You are not supposed to have it all figured out.
Parenting is not a test you pass or fail — it’s a relationship you build, one hug, one meltdown, one apology, one bedtime story at a time.
Finding Your Parenting Style is less about choosing the “right” label and more about :
- Knowing your values
- Showing up with love
- Being willing to grow
- Letting go of the myth of perfection
Your child doesn’t need a perfect mom. They need you — the real, human, sometimes-tired, occasionally-grumpy, deeply-loving you.
And that’s exactly who they got. 💛
Your Turn, Mama
I’d love to hear from you :
- What’s one value you want to guide your parenting style this year?
- Is there a piece of mom guilt you’re ready to start loosening your grip on?
Share it in the comments — your words might be exactly what another tired mama needs to read tonight.
And if this post helped you feel a little lighter, you can :
- Save it for later on Pinterest
- Share it with a friend who’s also figuring out her parenting style
- Join my email list for more cozy, real-life mom chats and gentle parenting support 💌