How to Model Emotional Regulation as a Parent

The first time I completely lost it over spilled cereal, it wasn’t really about the cereal.

It was about :

• the 3 hours of sleep I’d had
• the emails I hadn’t answered
• the sibling argument happening in the next room

My voice got loud. My face got tight. I saw my child’s eyes go wide… and in that split second, I heard a voice in my head say,

“Wow. I sound just like my mom when she was stressed…”

And not in the comforting way.

Later that night, I sat on the edge of my bed and thought about something I’d been reading: Modeling emotional regulation as a parent is one of the biggest ways our kids learn how to handle their own feelings. Not from the calm Instagram quotes we save, but from what we actually do when we’re tired, triggered, and overwhelmed.

The good news ? Modeling emotional regulation as a parent does not mean never losing your cool. It means :

• noticing your feelings
• handling them as safely as you can
• repairing when you mess up
• and letting your kids see that process

In this post, I’ll walk you through simple, realistic ways to model emotional regulation—even if you’re not naturally “zen.” We’ll talk about how to calm your own body, what to say out loud, and how to turn messy moments into powerful teaching for your kids. 💛

1. Start with Your “Oxygen Mask” : Why Your Calm Matters

You’ve heard it a thousand times on airplanes :

“Put on your own oxygen mask first before helping others.”

It’s the same with emotions. Kids’ nervous systems are still developing—so they often borrow ours. When we’re regulated, their bodies feel safer. When we’re constantly on edge, their bodies pick that up too.

Research on parent–child co-regulation shows that a caregiver’s emotional state strongly influences a child’s ability to self-regulate. Calm, responsive parenting is linked to better emotional and behavioral outcomes for kids.

That doesn’t mean you’re responsible for keeping everyone happy 24/7. It just means your emotional regulation is not selfish—it’s part of your parenting.

Tiny, doable “oxygen mask” habits

You don’t need a spa day. Think small and consistent :

• Drink water before your coffee.
• Eat something more substantial than your child’s leftovers.
• Step outside and take 3 deep breaths while the kids are (safely) occupied.
• Go to bed 20 minutes earlier when you can.

When you take care of your body, your emotions have a softer place to land.

2. Notice and Name Your Feelings (Without Judging Them)

Before we can model emotional regulation, we have to actually know what we’re feeling. And many of us didn’t grow up seeing adults name their emotions out loud.

Start by checking in with yourself

Ask yourself during the day :

• “What am I feeling right now?” (frustrated, anxious, overwhelmed, tired, sad, lonely)
• “What might be underneath this?” (exhaustion, fear, sensory overload, worry)

This isn’t about blaming yourself. It’s about understanding your internal world so you’re not blindsided by it in the next tantrum.

Say it out loud in simple ways

You can model this gently for your kids with phrases like :

• “I’m feeling a little stressed because we’re running late.”
• “I’m frustrated that the sink is overflowing with dishes.”
• “I feel sad that our plans changed.”

The American Psychological Association notes that labeling emotions (even our own) helps the brain begin to regulate them, and this is a skill children build by watching and practicing. American Psychological Association

You’re showing your child that :

1. Grown-ups have feelings too.
2. Feelings are normal.
3. Feelings can be talked about—not hidden or exploded.

3. Model Healthy Coping in the Moment (Instead of Pretending You’re Fine)

You don’t have to act like a robot who’s never upset. It’s actually more helpful for kids to see us feeling something and then handling it in a healthy way.

Simple coping strategies you can model

Try narrating small things like :

• “I’m feeling really overwhelmed. I’m going to take three deep breaths.”
• “I’m getting irritated, so I’m going to step into the kitchen for a minute to calm down.”
• “My body feels tense. I’m going to stretch my shoulders.”

You’re not giving them a TED Talk—you’re just letting them overhear your internal process.

Examples :

• When your child spills juice again :
  • Instead of: yelling instantly
  • Try: “I feel annoyed right now. I’m going to take a deep breath… Okay. Let’s clean this up together.”
• When traffic is horrible:
  • Instead of: muttering and gripping the wheel
  • Try: “Ugh, traffic is really frustrating me. I’m going to turn on some music to help me stay calm.”

Studies on social learning show that children adopt many coping behaviors by watching how adults react to stress. When they see you pause, breathe, or take space, you’re literally showing them what regulation looks like.

4. Use “I” Statements Instead of Blame

The way we talk about our feelings to our kids also matters.

Blaming language :

• “You’re making me crazy.”
• “You always do this.”

This can make kids feel responsible for our emotions and trigger defensiveness or shame.

“I” statements shift the focus to your feelings and needs without attacking them:

• “I feel overwhelmed when there’s yelling.”
• “I feel stressed when toys are all over the floor and we’re trying to leave.”
• “I’m getting frustrated because I’m repeating myself a lot.”

This doesn’t mean you never set limits. You still can :

“I feel overwhelmed with all the noise. I’m going to lower my voice and I need you to try again with a calmer voice too.”

You’re modeling :

• ownership of your emotions
• respectful communication
• setting boundaries without attacking their character

5. Show How to Take a Break (Instead of Exploding)

One of the most powerful things you can model is taking a break before you lose it.

Kids are often told, “Go calm down,” but they rarely see what that actually looks like.

Ways to model taking space

You might say :

• “I’m starting to feel too angry. I’m going to step into my room for two minutes to calm my body.”
• “I need a quick break. I’ll be right back, then we’ll keep talking.”

And then actually :

• drink water
• splash your face
• take deep breaths
• do a quick stretch

Parenting experts often emphasize that stepping away briefly (when safe) is a valid and healthy strategy for preventing escalation—not avoidance.

You can even invite your child into this skill later:

“When you feel really mad, you can take a break too—just like Mommy does.”

6. Turn Your Mistakes into Powerful “Repair” Moments

Here’s the part I wish someone had told me sooner :

You will lose your cool sometimes. That doesn’t automatically ruin your child.

What makes a huge difference is what you do after.

Psychologists call it rupture and repair: there’s a moment of disconnection, and then you reconnect. That repair can actually strengthen the relationship.

How to repair after you yell or overreact

When everyone is calmer (including you), go back and say something like :

• “I’m sorry I yelled earlier. I was feeling really overwhelmed and scared you’d get hurt. Yelling is not how I want to handle it.”
• “My worry came out as anger. I’m working on taking a breath and using a calmer voice.”
• “You didn’t deserve to be spoken to like that. I love you, even when I’m frustrated.”

You’re teaching your child :

• adults make mistakes too
• it’s okay to apologize
• relationships can repair after hard moments

You’re not groveling; you’re modeling emotional accountability.

7. Invite Your Child Into Shared Calming Routines

Modeling emotional regulation as a parent isn’t only about “fixing” heated moments—it’s also about building calm habits together in ordinary life.

Simple shared calming activities

• Family breathing breaks
  • “Let’s all do five balloon breaths before dinner.”
• Evening wind-down
  • dim lights, soft music, quiet toys or books
• Walk and talk
  • a short walk after dinner where everyone shares one “high” and one “low” of the day

Some parenting resources talk about ideas like the “7-7-7 rule”—a few minutes of focused connection in the morning, after school, and at bedtime—to strengthen emotional security and self-regulation.

You might not follow a specific rule, but even :

• 5 minutes of playing on the floor
• 3 minutes of cuddles before bed
• 2 minutes of snuggling after school

…can become anchors of calm in your child’s day.

8. Use a Calm Corner for Both of You

If you’ve created a calm-down corner for your child, you can also use it yourself. This is a powerful way to show that calming tools are for everyone—not just for “misbehaving” kids.

How to model using the calm corner

You might say :

• “I’m feeling stressed. I’m going to sit in the calm corner and hug the pillow for a minute.”
• “I’m going to look at our feelings chart and see which one looks like me right now.”

Your child might join you, or they might just watch. Either way, they’re seeing that :

• big feelings are normal
• calm spaces are safe, not shameful
• even grown-ups need help to calm down sometimes

Using shared tools like breathing, cuddly items, or quiet books also supports co-regulation—a parent and child calming together.

9. Practice Active Listening and Validation (Even When You Disagree)

Another part of modeling emotional regulation is how we respond to our kids’ strong feelings.

If we regularly dismiss (“You’re fine”), minimize (“It’s not a big deal”), or shame (“Stop being so dramatic”), they learn that feelings are… dangerous, annoying, or unacceptable.

Instead, we can validate without always agreeing:

Validation phrases you can model

• “I can see you’re really frustrated. That makes sense.”
• “It’s hard to stop playing when you’re having fun. I get it.”
• “You’re sad that your tower fell. I would feel sad too.”

Validation doesn’t mean you give in :

“It’s okay to be mad. It’s not okay to hit. I won’t let you hurt your brother.”

You’re modeling :

• staying calm while someone else is upset
• making space for emotions
• holding boundaries at the same time

Research on emotional coaching shows that kids whose parents validate and label emotions tend to have better emotional regulation and fewer behavior problems over time.

10. Give Yourself Permission to Be a Work in Progress

If you’re reading this and thinking, “I already messed this up” or “I’m the shouty mom more often than I want to admit”—you are so not alone.

Most of us were not raised with emotionally regulated role models. We’re often :

• learning skills we never saw
• healing our own stuff
• and parenting at the same time

That is a lot.

Modeling emotional regulation as a parent is not about perfection. It’s about:

• being honest about your feelings
• trying to handle them a little bit better over time
• making repairs when you trip up
• letting your kids see you as a real human who keeps trying

Every small step—one extra breath, one kinder phrase, one “I’m sorry I yelled”—counts.

Encouragement : You’re Already Doing More Than You Think 💛

Mama, if you care enough to be reading about emotional regulation, you are already a different kind of parent than you had—or than you fear you might be.

You will still have days where :

• you snap
• you feel touched-out and worn out
• you need to cry in the bathroom

That does not erase the hundred little moments where you:

• soften your voice
• sit next to a crying child
• say, “I’m here”
• apologize and try again

Those are the moments that build emotional safety and regulation over time.

You don’t have to transform overnight. Just pick one thing from this post to practice this week—maybe naming your feelings out loud, or taking a mini break before reacting, or repairing more intentionally after a rough moment.

Small steps add up. And you and your child are both learning together. 🌼

What’s One Thing You’ll Try This Week?

I’d love to hear from you :

👉 What’s one small way you want to start modeling emotional regulation as a parent—taking a breath, using “I” statements, apologizing more, something else?

Share it in the comments. Your idea might be exactly what another tired, discouraged mom needs to hear today. 💬

And if you’d like more gentle parenting tools, emotional regulation tips, and cozy encouragement straight to your inbox, be sure to join my email list. We’ll walk this messy, beautiful parenting journey side by side—one deep breath at a time. 💌